Blue

I'm not allowed to love you.

Because when and if I do
everyday will not look the same.

Some days will be yellow
But some, will be blue.
And then
I won't get out of bed.

I won't look into your eyes
And when you hug me, my arms will be limp by my sides.

I'll stare at nothing
and nobody.
Tears will race down unwittingly
Trying to catch the 5 o'clock shadow
left on the bed sheet.

I won't join you for breakfast
Or maybe I will.
As I listlessly pour water into my glass
Some might spill.

I'll have a drink maybe ten,
but I won't have you.
Or I will.
Mercifully. On my knees.
As you try harder to dig deep, to hit flesh, it'll just be bone.

And you
Won't be able to take it.
My eyes staring at a spot
Just behind your head.
My arms seeking out bed sheets but not your shirt.

You'll be so angry.
You'll blame yourself, 
Then me.

I'll act out, I'll surrender, I'll spew venom.
We'll break, never even.
I won't convince you that my blue days need you.
That I love you even when I can't love me.

It's easier this way.
I'm not allowed to love you, anyway.